A yoga teacher of mine (Bec) always starts our class with a word of encouragement for the participants. He tells us not to worry too much if we can’t get as deep into a posture as yesterday or if we need to rest a little bit longer today. No two days are the same. Being kinder to ourselves today - so we can practice again tomorrow.
These words really struck a chord with me. It got me thinking about how this can be transferred to life outside the yoga studio. How being kinder to myself could have a more positive impact on my relationships, life perspective and overall mental health and fitness.
Kindness and the noisy inner critic
Sometimes I have a very noisy inner critic. To give you some examples: “You told yourself you would clean the house today and here you are scrolling through social media”. “You said you’d run the full 30km and here you are, pulling out half way”. My inner critic tends to harp on about my laziness or lack of fitness or dedication. That’s why I haven’t achieved all I wanted to do that day.
This voice is louder and gets more airtime than the voice congratulating me for what I have achieved in a day such as working a full time job, getting the washing done and actually cooking a meal rather than just getting takeaway for dinner.
This voice isn’t kind and it’s loud because achievement is important to me.
Which is not surprising really, given…
- Comparisons with others. Whether I am conscious of comparing myself or not, scrolling through social media gives me the impression that everyone else is achieving more than I am. I know it’s just the highlight reel of people’s lives…but I still fall for it.
- External pressures. When I stop and think about it, I feel pressure from my peers, family and even society to conform to a particular standard. To hold down a demanding job, keep a tidy house and be a caring and committed family member and friend. There are times when I feel inadequate or like I am failing at this.
- Personal values. Achievement is important to me. It’s one of my personal values. Personal values motivate our behaviour, but are also the measure by which we judge it. So it can easily become the gate-keeper to my self-worth.
- Noticing the negative. I notice failure more easily than I notice success. Which is why I notice the cleaning I haven’t done, rather than the washing I have done.
How to be kinder to yourself
To be kinder to myself I have realised I need to reframe my thinking. I need to embrace variability. What I mean is…
- Variability between people. Everyone is different. I will only ever be me. So it’s important that I “stay in my lane” and do my best not to compare myself with others.
- Variability within me. I am also a human being. I am not a machine. There is a natural ebb and flow of productivity levels, energy and focus. Some days I am brimming with energy, ready to tackle any challenge. Other days I struggle to concentrate and feel less motivated.
When I embrace my variability, it has some very practical implications. For example, I can then:
- Be ok with having an off day. Acknowledging when I don’t feel up to something, and not just making up excuses.
- Celebrate the small wins however minor they are. Celebrating when I see them, and just when other people point them out.
- “Stay in my lane” and resist the urge to compare myself with others. Practically I’m not trying to use social media for research purposes rather than mindless scrolling.
- Remember all my values, and not just privilege some. Achievement is one of my personal values - but so is health. If I remember them both then I’m ok to pull out half way on a 30km run. I don’t want to push and injure myself. If I only lean into achievement, then that’s fodder for my inner critic.
- Be present to notice and address the negative self-talk. I want to challenge it before it festers.
- Be ok with slow progress. Change takes time and where is the fun if I’m able to tick everything off straight away?
(Note: The calm app, the resilience agenda and smiling mind address what mental fitness is and include activities to work on it.)
I can see how working on being kinder to myself has helped my mental fitness in terms of:
- Reducing stress
- Improving mood
- Increasing resilience
- Boosting confidence
So I wasn’t able to achieve all I wanted to in the day - that’s ok. Being kinder to myself is not only good for me but makes me a much more positive person to be around.
Being kinder to ourselves is an ongoing journey that requires self-awareness and patience. By being kinder to ourselves today, we create a space for personal growth, allowing us to come back even stronger tomorrow.
Kindness and self-worth
I (Caro) have loved reading Bec’s material, because so much of it resonates with me. “You told yourself you would clean the house today and here you are still watching that Netflix show” is what my inner critic says to me (fortunately it doesn’t say anything about running!)
Bec’s material has got me thinking that it is easier to show kindness to ourselves when we are convinced our self-worth isn’t at stake. As a follower of Jesus, I am reminded that my self-worth is defined by something other than myself.
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. [Luke 12:6-7]
I am intimately known (God knows the number of hairs on my head!) and infinitely loved (worth more than the tiny sparrow, which God cares for). That gives me my worth.
I might struggle to be kind to myself at times because I get caught up in an achievement loop. What shakes me free is remembering that God is kind to me in the life he has given me. I can acknowledge the limits of my humanity, and resist the temptation to compare myself. Embrace the God-given variability.
Questions
- In reading this blog, what has it got you thinking about?
- Can you think of a recent scenario where you could have been kinder to yourself?
- Are there periods of the day or week or month where it is harder to demonstrate kindness to yourself?
- Is there an impact on others or do you just internalise it all?
- How do your personal values play into this?
- How do you think you could practice more self-kindness?
