As I (Bec) write this piece I am sitting in a semi remote location with a group of strangers. Unfortunately I’m not on an exotic remote island in the south pacific or hiking through the Nepalese mountains. I’m in a free camping ground at Broke in the Hunter region. Still, it’s the perfect time to reflect on the concept of connection in relationships.
What brought me to Broke was a common interest and social media. I connected online with a group of strangers who own the same brand of camper trailer as I do. Someone suggested we all meet up. So my husband and I joined in. We connected with people we otherwise would never have crossed paths with in our everyday life.
As I sit in the camping ground, I’m scrolling through photos of family and friends, reading short updates and “liking” comments. I have some understanding of what’s going on in their lives, even if I don’t know the full story. I’ve taken to randomly phoning a friend or family member I haven’t seen in awhile. It can feel a bit awkward but also so rewarding to rekindle the relationship in a “real” sense.
Social media has changed how we relate to people. Is there a problem with this?
I would say: not necessarily. I think it depends on whether our very human need for meaningful connection is being sufficiently met.
As I (Caro) write this piece I too am sitting in a semi remote location - my office! I mainly work from home these days, so my geographical hub is my suburb.
In an online conversation with two work colleagues I asked them what they think is needed for meaningful connection. Their responses reminded me of a New York Times article: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? which I read way back in 2012.
“As external conditions change, it becomes tougher to meet the three conditions that sociologists since the 1950s have considered crucial to making close friends: proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other.”
Is there a difference between friendships/relationships and connection? I would say that close friendships by definition have a meaningful connection, whereas a meaningful connection doesn’t entail a close friendship (thinking of Bec sitting in the camping ground).
External conditions have changed with social media, as a legacy of covid isolationism and now hybrid workplaces. But whether it’s 1950, 2012 or 2024, what we need for meaningful connection remains the same. We need physical proximity to connect. Relationships solely through screens are not the same. Connections take time to build and often what moves connections forward happens in those unexpected moments, which means you can’t manufacture it. And we need to feel safe in order to be vulnerable.
I have realised that my attempts at meaningful connection often derail for two reasons.
The first reason is laziness. I was originally going to say busyness, but I realized that was a smokescreen. If I really want to do something, then I make the time for it. Meaningful connection requires intentionality and effort and I can be lazy.
The second reason is the assumptions I make. Assumptions like: they are too busy to want to talk to me, I’m not important enough in their lives etc. Those assumptions dampen my motivation to reach out and be vulnerable. I need to get out of my own head. I need to work with facts rather than be overcome with assumptions.
Overcoming laziness and assumption-making - at times easier said than done.
What helps me is remembering that as a follower of Jesus, my life should be fundamentally other-person centred. Jesus says that life is about loving God and loving our neighbour [Mark 12:28-31]. This helps me when I’m becoming a little too self-absorbed. Meaningful connection is a gift I can give other people (and as I do, it’s a gift that gives back to me too).
Even when I get past the laziness and the assumption-making - my best attempts at meaningful connection don’t always work out. Sometimes I still feel disconnected and lonely. Then I remember the promise that God is always with me. Jesus says that God makes a home in the hearts of his followers [John 14:23]. So while I might feel lonely, I am not alone. And that’s a big difference.
As I (Bec) think about meaningful connections at work, I would say that building these connections was easier when we were all in the office for the majority of the week. Now I find when I am working at home I am not engaging as much on a social level with colleagues. This may be due to role creep and expansion, and days full of meetings or workshops. Many of us are in the same boat, resulting in reduced personal interactions.
However, these relationships are an important part of “getting stuff done”. I often find I am calling on others to bounce ideas off, help me work through a problem, or provide a different perspective and fact check. So it is important to find a way to keep these alive, healthy and relevant.
It’s also more than just about “getting stuff done”. Work is more satisfying, enjoyable and fulfilling when I feel connected.
So I’m committed to making a conscious effort to go into the office. To not spend the day locked away in a meeting room but to be visible. I set up a coffee / tea or lunch catch-ups with colleagues I haven’t spoken to in a while. I try to be intentional in those conversations, finding out how they are, and trying to talk about something other than a pressing work issue or topic. I don’t find this easy, and in fact it’s taken a lot of effort and a lot of courage. But the rewards have been worth it.
For reflection:
What is your relationship with social media like? How is it aiding or derailing meaningful connections with people?
Are you spending time developing your professional networks within your company? How about outside your immediate workplace?
Have you said yes to anything new recently that has led you to make a new connection?
When it comes to building meaningful connections, what are your fears?
What is the interplay between building meaningful connections and your values?
