Three Self-Care Tips for the Overwhelmed Carer
I have been working as a chaplain serving older people for 15 years. People often say: “You must love your job!” And I reply: “It’s exhausting, but I love older people.”
The exhaustion isn’t just because I am an introvert working in a people-intense role, but more from the constant exposure to grief, death and pain. Everyone I care for is facing all the major types of grief–I bury my congregation every 18 months, and emotional, physical and spiritual pain is just a given for most older people.
Don’t get me wrong, I consider it a privilege of being able to share Jesus’s love with older people, their loved ones, and the staff caring for these people. However, on top of my professional role caring for older people, I am also caring for my parents–my mum has terminal cancer, and my dad has advanced dementia. And my desire to love both those I work with and my parents, especially with the desire to care and love those two groups the way Jesus does has come with its own challenges, and a lot of it has to do with looking after myself.
I indulge in sharing my story, my pain, my challenges not to garner your sympathy but as background to the importance of self-care. Particularly self-care for people who are balancing paid work and caring responsibilities. We are all called to care to “love your neighbour”. Increasingly, people are facing the complexity of not simply paid work, house work and “church” work–but also caring for their children, older people, and people living with dementia. Each of these roles can feel overwhelming, together they can be devastating.
Perhaps this is you right now. Balancing full-time work, with raising a family, and caring for your sick parents. And you feel like you’re sinking with all the demands placed on you. If this is you, I have three tips to help you.
- The importance of self-care
I struggle with self-care because I find it is much easier for me to be present and listen to someone else’s trauma but ignore, avoid or deny the existence of my own. Partially, this is due to poor theology, an overemphasis on loving my neighbor and a temptation to want to be the Messiah–to carry the sins of the world, when it should be left in God’s hands.
I constantly need to be reminded that Jesus took time away from people and from His ministry. To not simply affirm but live in the reality that God gives what I need for each day–enough time, energy, and rest.
- The importance of boundaries
A critical component of self-care is boundaries. I often hear people say how hard boundaries are with people who do not respect them. These people are exactly the reason we need boundaries–the people who do not push, do not need our boundaries. Regarding caregiving, there are perhaps three key boundaries to consider: professional, care and personal. If your job is anything like mine it is never done, so I need to maintain professional boundaries. For example, while I am called to love my residents, I also need to keep my distance. A simpler boundary is Sabbath, for me this means, except in exceptional circumstances, no chaplaincy work on Saturdays.
Care is another dimension of life where you can always do more, so boundaries are critical. This may include hard conversations and decisions, for example, “Mum, you need to move into a care home”. Managing these conversations requires gentleness, patience and wisdom. It also requires some loving hardheadedness; in being willing to address the topic, sit with the pain of the conversation, and potentially face the anger of your loved one. It is perhaps helpful to think of this in terms of the conversations parents regularly have with their children– “I know you want x”, or “To go to Y’s party, but it’s not possible”. Managing the tears and tantrums that can unfold requires self-control, active listening, and clear communication.
Additionally, I strongly suggest delegating and building a caregiving team to help you with the day-to-day tasks. This team will probably include paid and unpaid members. Paid options might include applying for a home care package which helps with housework and the garden. Unpaid members can be a neighbour who takes your bins out. The team from church has a roster to sit with your loved one so you can go to church. It is also critical to have team members whose focus is on you. At a minimum this will include your doctor, but also consider people who can facilitate “you time”, for instance, your hairdresser, masseuse, and coffee buddies.
If you are not personally caregiving this is an opportunity to support others by being part of their team. Perhaps the hardest boundaries are internal. We all have expectations of ourselves which are both powerful and impossible –I recommend seeking with professionals on how to manage boundaries in a healthy and helpful way.
3. The importance of spiritual support
Prayer is the basis of ministry, the primary conduit of God’s love and power, so I pray privately, and with people. Individually, I spend a lot of time sitting and sometimes walking with people, being present, listening and sometimes speaking. Liturgically, I conduct at least one church service per week and regularly conduct funerals.
As Christians we know we are more than biological beings, we are all spiritual and need spiritual care. This is why it’s important for us to plug ourselves into a community who can pray for us when things get tough. These are the people who uphold us when we feel too weak to pray. We can also take comfort in knowing Jesus intercedes for us when we pray (Romans 8:34, Hebrews 7.35).
We can also encourage the people we’re caring for to seek their own spiritual support, as this gives them another outlet they can go to for support and lessens the burden on us as the only source of spiritual support. This could look like:
- Considering how to facilitate them getting to and from church.
- Reading the Bible with the person over the phone.
- Purchasing resources that suit them, for example, large print Bibles.
Working full-time while raising a family and caring for our aging parents can be isolating and challenging. However, with some self-care such as taking mini-breaks and healthy boundaries in place, along with a spiritual support group can make the process possible. Thankfully, we have a loving Father who invites us to bring our burdens to Him because His yoke is light (Matthew 11:28-30).
