The “mental load” has been getting a lot of airtime in some circles recently. What is it exactly?
Here’s one definition from a psychologist that came via a friend:
“The mental load is the invisible, ongoing physical, cognitive, emotional energy and effort required to manage daily life, a household and a career. And it goes beyond the physical completion of tasks because it includes the ongoing mental checking of remembering, anticipating, planning, organising so many parts of life, like groceries, bills, appointments, childcare. And it can often involve emotional work of monitoring and maintaining relationships as well as managing emotional states of your nearest and dearest. That seems to create sometimes the biggest load - the constant checking of, is everyone around me okay?
The mental load is traditionally framed in reference to mothers. But I would actually expand the definition. For example, when people move out of home, they might move in with flatmates, and there's the question of who does what? What if they don't take out the garbage or share their load of caring for the apartment? Another example is when the first baby enters a family. This can be a big transition for couples. And so the question is, how does this load get managed between the parents? And then there's the other example of elderly parents. How do adult siblings navigate, who does what, when and how?” - Larissa, psychologist
The past 3 months for me have been particularly challenging. When asked, I will usually respond with we are just about coping, or that I’m still alive. It is hard to admit to anyone, even myself that I am finding it nearly impossible to physically staying awake long enough to:
- Work
- Manage my children’s school and daycare needs
- Maintain the house
- Keep my social battery charged
- Show up for agreed commitments
- Show up for extracurriculars at work that I cared about
In fact I’ve had to make some difficult choices as my capacity reached overload levels.
Four things have been helpful as I navigate this mental load:
- Moving some tasks from manual to automatic
For me, clarity of values and priorities is the most important element of managing mental load. This is because once I am clear on what is most important, the mental load of worrying about whether I am doing enough or doing the right thing is removed entirely.
For instance, in order to serve my family well emotionally and spiritually, the house has to function. This means that while the living room does not need to be perfectly tidy every single day, the daily grind of things like laundry and packing children’s lunches are not negotiable. I find when things are put on the list of “cannot be dropped” they contribute less to my mental load because they happen automatically.
- Adopting a minimum standard of care
Practically, I personally find the concept of “minimum standard of care” really helpful with managing my own mental load. Taken from Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play and being similar in concept to workplace project delivery agile concept known as “Definition of Done” (I work as a Project Manager!), the minimum standard of care (MSC) is an agreed acceptable finish line for routine activities.
This can help reduce the worry (“What if my son is annoyed and hungry because lunch wasn’t what he wanted??”) and the blame (“If only he had packed the dishwasher the way I wanted…”). This is because it helps to shrink the misalignment between expectations and reality. It is about figuring out and agreeing (within each household) what “finished” looks like for a specific task and that no further explanations are needed or taking up valuable mental space.
If I ask my kindergartener to get dressed for school, he knows that he has to find a shirt, pants, jumper, socks and shoes. This means just saying “time to get dressed” is enough, and I don’t need to spend more effort mentally thinking about whether what he is putting on will be appropriate.
- From Compulsion to Conviction
Once the MSC has a baseline, it is easier to work out how much extra “capacity” is available for the next most important things. This is where things that are non-urgent but still important have a place. Things like spending energy planning the next team event taking into consideration logistics, preferences of those attending, and helping the new person not feel excluded.
I can set aside specific capacity to do these things with conviction rather than compulsion because prioritising things consciously means I do not have FOMO (fear of missing out) for the things that were not able to be accomplished.
- Following a person not a plan
A friend reminded me of this recently - followers of Jesus follow a person and not a plan.
I find this such a good reminder because I’m big on planning (as I mentioned previously, I work as a Project Manager!). This means so much of how I approach life is driven by my desire to be seen as in control and competent. The pressure I put on myself is adding to my own mental load.
Jesus says: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” [Matthew 11:28-30]
I can come to Jesus and ask him to carry my burdens. He will be good to me.
It doesn’t mean I throw all planning out the window. I still plan, but try to hold my plans a bit more lightly, leaning into Jesus the burden carrier. When I can do that, I find I am less anxious and more adaptable.
Reflection questions
- Where are you feeling the mental load at the moment?
- What helps to fuel your mental load?
- What could you change in terms of your approach to the mental load?
- What will help make a difference?
